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John Bercow’s speech to Her Majesty the Queen in Parliament yesterday has provoked the ire of the usual suspects.

Video of the risible occasion with bonus expert commentary below:

This is a land where men and women today are equal under the law and where Your people are respected, regardless of how they live, how they look or how they love. This is a nation of many races, faiths and customs, now beginning to be reflected in Parliament. All this progress has occurred during Your reign. You have become, to many of us, a kaleidoscope Queen …

“Kaleidoscope Queen”? Did the Speaker of House decide on this bizarre mixture of glam-rock imagery on his own, or did he actually hand over money to a speechwriter for this? Well, as long as he drops this kaleidoscope idea and moves on.

… of a kaleidoscope country …

No, really? Elizabeth, hitherto sitting admirably silent and motionless, shifts in her seat. Please, Mr Bercow, surely you can see this technicolour-dreamcoat stuff is not going down well. It’s just starting to sound.. tacky. Take the hint.

… in a kaleidoscope Commonwealth.

God, no. The Queen must avert her gaze at this point. Could we spare her blushes and switch to the Prime Minister on camera 3? Thanks. Hang on, that’s worse. Cut to cue card. Cameron’s steely glower suggests he will get up at any moment and relieve the Speaker of his duties at the microphone. Either that or he’s holding in gas. He looks rather red.

This gathering is one of many diverse events across these islands in tribute to You and this great anniversary. Our affection as a nation will rightly embrace the Duke of Edinburgh and other members of Your family. These will be moments striking for the sincerity expressed as much as for the scenery encountered.

“Sincerity expressed” and “scenery encountered” — nifty use of alliteration there. If I were writing the speech, I’d probably have pondered this passage a bit and settled on something more profound than “nice scenery,” but at least we’re over that awkward kaleidoscope bit now.

Sixty years of stability.

A bit of alliteration again. Okay.

Sixty years of security.

And again.

Sixty years of certainty.

Ah. I see what you’re doing with this now. We got the idea. I fully expect a bit of variation now, as we can all agree the “sixty years” thing has been done to death in the space of mere seconds.

Sixty years of sacrifice.

Is this becoming a meme?

Sixty years of service.

Mnemonics! Generations to come will forever honour the legacy of Elizabeth II by means of Bercow’s celebrated “Five S’s.”

Please let’s wrap this up, John. Your writing is piss-poor, and your nodding-dog delivery has all the charm and sincerity of an overworked nurse trying to coax an old dear into taking her pills. Say something pithy about Gandhi and let’s get out of here.

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